Will Store Video Prove Forest Whitaker A Kleptomaniac?

I’ll start this by saying that Forest Whitaker made the classic “outraged hand-in-cookie-jar” defensive reaction after coming out publicly claiming he was wrongly accused of shoplifting at a NYC deli Friday morning. Now for the important question, where is the store’s security camera footage? After all, it is a NY deli… And this video could literally thrust the eatery on to the international stage, what is also referred to as, the big time.

forest-whitaker-milano shop lifter Whitaker, who probably has millions in the bank, was on his way out of the Milano Market on the Upper West Side Friday when he was stopped by a deli employee and accused of swiping an item from the shelf, reports TMZ.

… the employee proceeded to frisk Whitaker in plain view … treating him as if he were a common criminal.

Though TMZ said the employee “pat down” yielded nothing, our sources say Whitaker immediately became agitated as the store clerk tried to initially detain him, “He got really mad and started yelling, ‘I’m a millionaire, why would I steal? Why would I steal? Do you want to frisk me? You wanna frisk me?'” Our man on the street added, “The deli has security video of the event but neither party wants to pursue the matter further.” Okay let me guess, when the tape gets released, Whitaker will suddenly claim he was researching a movie roll… “KLEPTO?”

Why do rich people do stuff like this? Forest is So Winona Ryder buttons!

FED Employees Log Man’s FARTS Then Issue 5 Page Report Recommending Reprimand

A 38-year-old, Social Security Administration employee has been reprimanded after co-workers released a five page complaint that detailed his “uncontrollable flatulence.” The multipage document even included a detailed log of times and places the offending employee released his noxious gases.


The document went on to say that the man was exhibiting “conduct unbecoming a federal officer” hence making the workplace intolerable and hostile. The man, said to be repeatedly warned, claimed a medical condition for making his gas difficult to control…

What’s next the Bad Breath Task Force?

Rollback On Chokeholds: Black Friday Shopper Killed By Walmart Security

DeKalb, Illinois. — Black Friday apparently lived up to the dark side of the moniker, claiming the life of a man.

Walmart employees apprehended and were detaining a man they believe was a shoplifter, but by the time cops got there to do their job — the guy was dead!

Witnesses say that one of the Walmart employees applied a chokehold to the suspect. That man is no longer working for Walmart.

“No amount of merchandise is worth someone’s life,” Walmart spokesperson Dianna Gee said Sunday in a statement, “Associates are trained to disengage from situations that would put themselves or others at risk.”

DeKalb police say that the unidentified man took two DVD players from the Walmart at around 1:30 a.m. The man, who appeared to be middle aged, exited through the front door, but was caught by the trio in the parking lot where a “physical altercation” took place, according to the police report.

When police arrived, they found the trio on top of the man. An officer who handcuffed the suspected shoplifter detected no resistance from him and ordered the employees off. Police found the man to be unresponsive and bleeding from his nose and mouth. Emergency units responded and transported him to DMC-Hillandale Hospital, where he was pronounced dead.

“This is truly a sad situation,” Gee said. “We don’t know all of the facts right now. We’re in the process of working with law enforcement to deterimine all of the facts and cooperating and providing any information we have to assist in the investigation.

The cause and manner of death is to be determined by the DeKalb Medical Examiner’s office at a later time.

Woman Fired After Facebook Photo Flipping-Off Tomb Of Unknown Soldier

Lindsey Stone’s employer, Living Independently Forever (LIFE), has issued the following statement on their Facebook page concerning two employees involved in the controversial incident, now jobless…

(LIFE statement)

We wish to announce that the two employees recently involved in the Arlington Cemetery incident are no longer employees of LIFE. Again, we deeply regret any disrespect to members of the military and their families. The incident and publicity has been very upsetting to the learning disabled population we serve. To protect our residents, any comments, however well-intentioned, will be deleted. We appreciate your concern and understanding as we focus on the care of our community.

Stone and the other fired person, released their own limp-wilted joint statement:

We never meant any disrespect to any of the people nationwide who have served this country and defended our freedom so valiantly.

So if you think that our soldiers are valiantly defending our freedom why exactly are you flipping the bird in this photo?