For those of you who don’t want to watch the pathetic video, here is a transcript of Lindsay Lohan’s brand new eHarmony ad!! You’re welcome!

Hi, my name is Lindsay, and I’m searching for love. I’m recently single, I think, and I’m looking for someone who I can spend the rest of my life with, or at least the rest of my probation with. A little bit about me, I’m an actress, a singer, an entrepreneur, and I have single-handedly keep 90% of all gossip web sites in business. I would define my personality as, ah, creative. I’m a bit of a night owl. I’m a workaholic. A shopaholic, and according to the state of California, an alcoholic. As well as a threat to all security guards, if they work in hotels. And to put all those rumors to rest, I am not broke; I actually have over $400 in the bank and $20,000 Marlboro miles, which I’m very proud of. I’m looking for a compatible mate who likes a night out on the town, as long as he or she is driving of course. Likes ankle monitoring bracelets, and doesn’t have family members quick to issue restraining orders. The perfect mate loves long walks on the beach, car chases on the PCH, antiquing and ah, passing out in Cadillac Escalades. So if you think you can handle a redhead with a little bit of sass, and by that I mean, a redhead who’s crazy- I mean don’t pretend like you don’t know me, we’ve all read about it. We’ll crash a few parties, crash a car or two but at the end of the day I promises you, I never lose my google hits, just my underwear. You can reach me at 612679 or you can find me on the cover of US Weekly because I’m so alone.

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