Onion reports:
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JUPITER, FL—Nina Meyer, a young, strong-willed exotic dancer at the Klassy Dolls Gentleman’s Club, informed patrons Monday that she only plans to perform nude for as long as it takes to get through the remainder of her existence on earth.
“Look, I’m not gonna be a stripper forever,” Meyer said while administering one more in an endless series of lapdances. “You better believe I’ll be out of here the minute I either die or become so old that no man will pay to see me naked.”
“I’ve got dreams a lot bigger than this dump,” Meyer continued. “I’m only doing this because there’s no way I’ll ever come close to achieving those dreams.”
Meyer, 24, accepted her current position three months ago to “pick up a little extra cash” for food, clothing, and shelter. She told reporters that stripping allows her the freedom to barely chip away at her enormous debt while still being able to save absolutely nothing for the future.
“The hours are flexible, and the money’s pretty good for a girl trying to pay for the basic necessities required to continue breathing,” Meyer said. “Trust me, I know better than anyone how demeaning this job can be, but I also know it’s just a means to an end.”
“Specifically, the end of my fleeting youth and my ability to trust anyone ever again,” Meyer added.