President Obama Joke Transcript Alfred E. Smith Dinner

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, thank you. Thank you.

Everyone please take your seats otherwise Clint Eastwood will yell at them.

ROMNEY TRANSCRIPT HERE

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you to Al and Nan, your eminence, Governor, Ms. Romney, Governor Cuomo, Mayor Bloomberg, Cassandra Schumer, all the distinguished guests who are here.

In less than three weeks, voters in states like Ohio, Virginia and Florida will decide this incredibly important election, which begs the question, what are we doing here?

(LAUGHTER)

Of course, New Yorkers also have a big choice to make. You have to decide which one of us you want holding up traffic for the next four years.

(LAUGHTER)

Tonight I am here with a man whose father was a popular governor, who knows what it’s like to run a major northeaster state and who could very well be president some day and I’m hoping it is Andrew Cuomo.

(APPLAUSE)

This is the third time that Governor Romney have met recently. As some of you may have noticed, I had a lot more energy in our second debate. I felt really well rested after the nice long nap I had in the first debate.

(APPLAUSE)

Although it turns millions of Americans focused in on the second debate who didn’t focus in on the first debate and I happen to be one of them. I particularly want to apologize to Chris Matthews. Four years ago, I gave him a thrill up his leg; this time around, I gave him a stroke.

Of course, there’s a lot of things I learned from that experience, for example, I learned that there are worse things that can happen to you on your anniversary than forgetting to buy a gift.

(LAUGHTER)

So, take note gentlemen.

Now, win or lose, this is my last political campaign so I’m trying to drink it all in. Unfortunately Mayor Bloomberg will only let me have 16 ounces.

(LAUGHTER)

That’s OK. I’m still making the most of my time in the city. Earlier today I went shopping at some stores in Midtown. I understand Governor Romney went shopping for some stores in Midtown.

(LAUGHTER)

And it brought back some great memories because some of you know I went to school here in New York, had a wonderful experience here.

(APPLAUSE)

I used to love walking thought Central Park, love to go to old Yankee Stadium, the house that Ruth built although he really did not build that. I hope everybody’s aware of that.

(APPLAUSE)

It’s been four years since I was last at the Al Smith dinner. You’ll have to admit some things have changed since then.

I’ve heard some people say, Barack, you’re not as young as you used to be, where’s that golden smile? Where that pep in your step and I say, settle down Joe, I’m trying to run a cabinet meeting.

(LAUGHTER)

He does smile when he says it, though.

Tomorrow it’s back to campaigning and to the cities and towns across our great country and I hear the same thing everywhere I go. Honestly we were hoping to see Michelle.

(LAUGHTER)

And I have to admit, it can be a grind. Sometimes it feels like this race has dragged on forever, but Paul Ryan assured me that we’ve only been running for two hours and fifty something minutes.

(LAUGHTER)

Of course, the economy’s on everybody’s minds. The unemployment rate is at its lowest level since I took office. I don’t have a joke here, I just thought it’d be useful to remind everybody…

(APPLAUSE)

… that the unemployment rate is at the lowest it’s been since I took office. And we’re getting to that time when folks are making up their minds. Just the other day, Honey Boo Boo endorsed me. So that’s a big relief.

(LAUGHTER)

Ultimately, though, tonight’s not about the disagreements Governor Romney and I may have. It’s what we have in common, beginning with our unusual names. Actually Mitt is his middle name, I wish I could use my middle name.

(LAUGHTER)

And even though we’re enjoying ourselves tonight, we’re both thinking ahead of our final debate on Monday. I’m hoping that Governor Romney and I will have a chance to answer the question that is one the minds of millions Americans watching at home. Is this happening again?

(LAUGHTER)

Why aren’t they putting on “The Voice?”

And Monday’s debate is a little different because the topic is foreign policy. Spoiler alert, we got Bin Laden.

(APPLAUSE)

Of course, world affairs are a challenge for every candidate. After — some of you guys remember — after my foreign trip in 2008, I was attacked as a celebrity because I was so popular with our allies overseas. And I have to say I’m impressed with how well Governor Romney has avoided that problem.

(LAUGHTER)

And just so everyone knows in our third debate, that we won’t spend a whole of time interrupting each other. We will also interrupt the moderator, just to mix things up.

(LAUGHTER)

And finally, let me say that I’ve been doing some thinking, and I’ve decided that for our final debate, I’m going to go back to the strategy that I used to prepare for the first debate.

(LAUGHTER)

I’m just kidding. I’m trying to make Axelrod sweat a little bit.

(LAUGHTER)

Get him a little nervous.

(LAUGHTER)

In all seriousness, I couldn’t be more honored to be here this evening. I’m honored to be here with leaders of both the private and public sectors, and particularly the extraordinary work that is done by the Catholic church. You know it’s written in scripture…

(APPLAUSE)

…it’s written in scripture that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance, character, and character hope. This country has fought through some very tough years together. And while we still have a lot of work ahead, we’ve come as far as we have mainly because of the perseverance and character of ordinary Americans. And it says something about who we are as a people that in the middle of a contentious election season, opposing candidates can share the same stage. People from both parties can come together.

(APPLAUSE)

Come together to support a worthy cause. And I particularly want to thank Governor Romney for joining me because I admire him very much as a family man, and a loving father. And those are two titles that will always matter more than any political ones.

(APPLAUSE)

So…

(APPLAUSE)

…we may have different political perspectives, but I think, in fact I’m certain, that we share the hope that the next four years will reflect the same decency, and the same willingness to come together for a higher purpose that are on display this evening. May we all, in the words of Al Smith, “Do our full duty as citizens.” God bless you, God bless your families, and may God bless the United States of America. Thank you very much.

(APPLAUSE)

END